


Quite Terribly

by GetRektSisterGertrude



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Blood and Torture, Confusion, Love/Hate, Other, Partner Betrayal, Psychological Torture, Supernatural Elements, Violence, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-21 08:29:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9539783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GetRektSisterGertrude/pseuds/GetRektSisterGertrude
Summary: When the world falls into darkness, I tend to stay awake. As the only one whose eyes are open when everyone else is asleep. I love the silence, the cold and the darkness around me. Sometimes, I hear voices and noises. It feels like I have heard or seen something I shouldn't have. Secrets, mysteries, something forbidden and it excites me to the extend that I can't help but stay awake over and over, every single night. Just to hear that voice again. That familiar noise, the footsteps, the rustling noises of his coat...





	

**Quite Terribly**

 

When the world falls into darkness, I tend to stay awake. As the only one whose eyes are open when everyone else is asleep. I love the silence, the cold and the darkness around me. Sometimes, I hear voices and noises. It feels like I have heard or seen something I shouldn't have. Secrets, mysteries, something forbidden and it excites me to the extend that I can't help but stay awake over and over, every single night. Just to hear that voice again. That familiar noise, the footsteps, the rustling noises of his coat...

 

When everyone else is asleep, I stay awake. Waiting for that person to come home, to open his heavy front door, to take off his shoes and hang up his heavy and thick coat before closing the door. Hearing his house keys clatter and the way he sighs tiredly whenever the scent of his own apartment embraces him. I can't see the expressions he makes nor can I tell how he really looks like. But I am certain, he is a beautiful person. Every day at half past midnight, I can hear his footsteps through my open window. The rustling noises of the wind playing with his hair and coat, the soft fabric of his trousers brushing his skin, his legs. I imagine how it would feel like if it was my hand that was gliding over his beautiful skin. The way I would love to bury my fingers into his dark black hair. How I'd love to hear his deep voice vibrating next to my ear, his heavy panting and moaning in pleasure...

 

The more I stay awake, the more I want him quite terribly. It becomes a habit until I start neglecting everything else, just to live for the moment where he comes home at half past midnight. Every time he opens the door, darkness devours him right away. Shadows cover his face, the darkness takes every glimpse I could ever have from him away from me. I hate it, yet, I love it. He doesn't know I am watching him. I hide between the curtains, peeking down from the corner of my eyes, watching him from afar. His apartment is the one on the opposite side of mine. Even though his room is one floor lower than mine, the distance between the apartment blocks make it able for me to easily spy on him from a safe distance. Every time I hear his heavy footsteps from the shaky metal stairways, my heart starts pounding against my ribs, ready to burst any moment when my eyes would meet his. Of course that never happened.... until today.

 

His usual footsteps along the entrance hallway, reaching the narrow corridor towards the staircase. Tonight, a full moon. The wind is unusually cold and fresh. Icy flowers cover the edges of my glassy window. The sky, unusually clear and filled with flickering stars. The metal staircase creaks under his weight.

 

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,... silence.

 

I peek from behind my curtain. The cold air dances around my hot breath and covers my glasses with foggy steam. Angrily, I wipe it away and search hastily with my heavy eyelids for the familiar black hair and dark blue coat.

 

_Why did he suddenly stop? That has never happened before. Did someone stop him? Did he fall? I would have heard the fall. Where is he? There should have been twenty-three steps. Why did he stop fourteen steps earlier?_

 

With a heavy heart, I push my curtains aside and lean out the open window. The crying wind tries to push me off the edge, strong and icy, the cold cuts into my sensitive and pale skin. With my weak eyes, I keep searching for a sign that he is alright. I want to shout out his name, but I have no idea what his name might be. I want to reach out, but I won't be able to enter the building without a key. I want to tear out his heart and make him mine, but where is his body?

 

“Where... where are you?,” I quietly mumble to myself before I rise my hand and start biting my thumb until it bleeds. My chapped lips taste like iron, my head starts spinning and I can hear the loud and noisy pounding in my chest.

 

Stop! Stop beating! I can't concentrate!

 

Footsteps.

 

Ten, eleven, twelve,...

 

Big grey eyes behind black bangs. A hidden grin behind mysterious shadows. Dark blue coat floating in the wind.

 

...twenty, twenty-two, twenty-three.

 

My heart-beat quiets down in an instant. He saw me. My body tenses up and freezes. It won't move. I feel hot even though it's been minus sixteen degree Celsius since morning. My lips start trembling, trying to smile back at him but somehow, I can't.

 

 _Am I afraid? Am I happy?_ I have no idea.

 

He continues to walk normally until he reaches his apartment door. Then, he stops and stands still with his hands buried in the pockets of his dark blue coat. His face, hidden in the shadows. I try to reach out, to say something or just hide, but I can't. I am frozen where I stand and my body won't move even if I tried to. Such power, dominant eyes, fierce and cold. Oh, how I desire him...

 

Time stands still. The silence, the cold and the darkness. All the things I am familiar with. Even the view of his back pointed towards me, I am familiar with it. But today, something is different. Something sends a chill down my spine, making me even more excited than usual. I can't help but smile at the wonderful sight. The way he takes out the keys, their sound echo in my ear like heavenly music. I imagine the way his muscles beneath the clothes must move in a soothing way, underneath his skin and flesh, down to his glassy white bones. How beautiful he must be beneath the lump of flesh that hides his true beauty. How delicious he would look without the clothes. How delightful it would be to see him naked and his insides completely bare to my eyes. The red of his flesh, the taste and smell of iron, blood pumping veins and smooth clean bones...

 

Hidden places of him that no one has ever seen, I want all of it!

 

A clattering sound, an open door and he is gone without a sigh. I slide down onto my knees. Tears start streaming down my blushing face. The smile keeps getting wider and wider until it feels like my mouth would rib my cheeks apart at any moment. How much I have wanted to meet his eyes and now that it has happened, I can't wait to see him again! I desire him to the extent that my own life has lost its value.

 

There is much more to come until the stars light up the sky again. Even when everyone else is awake, my eyes are open. No sunlight can touch my skin, I won't let anything touch me before he does. I won't leave this room until it is half past midnight once again. I won't sleep until he is mine. The clocks move on too slow, I keep pushing the pointer forward but even when it lands on half past midnight, the sky won't darken and the stars won't shine. So I wait. And wait. Wait until the sun sinks behind the horizon, until the lights die behind every single window and until there is only darkness, him and me. This way, there is only us in this world. He can't deny my existence, he has to accept me. There is no one else. No one else for him to chose, no one else he could belong to. Only me and the darkness surrounding us. The stars, the moon and his footsteps, counting to twenty-three.

 

The plants and flowers on my window ledge are as dead as I used to be. Dry, ripped apart, torn and pulverized to ashes. The soil killed them, the earth killed me. Now I am fully revived, to live only for him.

 

As his footsteps move in closer, I lean further out of my window, accidentally pushing one of the flower pots off the window ledge. With a loud and extremely ugly noise, which destroys the peaceful silence of the beautiful night, the pot cracks and breaks on the ground, covering the black pavement with dark brown soil. Like spilled guts hitting the ground. There it is, my dead heart, naked for everyone to see and to step on. But I don't care anymore, because in front of me, there is a new chance, new life. I can reach out, finally. His eyes are smiling, they strip me naked, they see the real me beneath the ugly flesh and skin. The veins under this pale skin, as blue as the summer sky, I'll give it all to him. The bloody river, the pumping machine of a heart, he can have it all as long as he'll be mine too.

 

“So noisy.”

 

A deep voice vibrating in the cold air. It reaches my ear within seconds, I can recognize it. This voice, soothing to my body. I crave for more.

 

“What if it would have hit someone?”

 

Yes, more. Give me more. Tell me more. I need that voice, all for myself! I want to dig my nails deep into his skin until it bleeds, until he screams for me and me only!

 

“What are you waiting for? Shouldn't you go down and clean it up?”

 

What am I waiting for? I crave you, I desire you so terribly. I am waiting for you, for something to close this unbearable distance between us!

 

“Y-yes...,” I stutter.

 

Yes, I should. I should leave this room. Leave this place and go over to the other side. I should. I have to. I must. Now go. Go!

 

In trance, I close the window, the curtains, the door behind me. I walk down the dark and narrow hallway of my apartment building with the ripped wallpaper, the hauntingly old paintings hanging from the walls and the dirty carpet floor. There are no windows in the hallway. Even though it's almost too dark, one can see tiny dust particles floating around in the dim light of the old ceiling lamps. Some of those are broken, shot down by guns, splattered splendidly by electricity or simply, teens throwing and playing around with sticks and stones. My surroundings are like hallucinations. My body remembers the way on it's own, while my mind has lost it's touch from reality a long time ago.

 

Unreal feelings of my bare feet touching the soft carpet, sinking into the fragments of broken glasses from destroyed light bulbs and strange sensations on my fingertips whenever my hands brush over the rough wallpaper on the walls. The light tickles my skin, it feels like someone is breathing next to me. Noises seem distant, everything is blurry but my legs keep moving forward. The scent of spilled and spoiled milk fills the entrance hall. Quickly, I open the door and take a deep breath of the fresh and cold midnight air. City lights shine bright on the other side of the wide riverbank. This small island has approximately ten private houses and three apartment buildings. Most of the rooms are abandoned and six out of ten houses also. Soon, this place will be isolated from the outside world. Just imagining it makes me shiver in excitement. Soon, it will be just him and me. Just us, on this abandoned island. Our own little world, far away from the outside world. Far from the ugliness of dead soil and spoiled milk from loveless corpses.

 

Sparkling star lights reflecting in the moving and deep water. Pitch-black, like a hole sucking me right in, burying me under a pile of dead bodies and warm blood. No, I can't waste my time thinking about useless things!

 

My legs continue to walk past the main street leading to the bridge for cars to get to the other side. Street signs covered by creepers, broken walkways, crumpled and dirty streets, left behind by civilisation. As the cold wind pierce through my thin shirt, I start running towards the next block, reaching my destination of his apartment building. The silence guided me, now I can hear the clock from the other side of the river strike one.

 

The shattered flower pot lies in the narrow and dark alley between his and my building. Trash bags piles up next to the walls, separating the mostly abandoned homes. I take a step forward into the darkness. The stench of expired food, dead rats and urine scares me away, as I stumble backwards and hit a wall from behind.

 

A warm wall, a wall with a pumping heart underneath it's skin. I do not dare to turn around.

 

This might be a dream. I don't want to wake up just yet, no. I close my eyes and smile shyly. His scent, a scent that has never filled my lungs before. A warmth, so strange, so unusual. The world can end right now and I would not even care.

 

Slowly, I feel the chemicals in my brain kicking in. Enticing feelings rush through my veins. From head to toe, I start to tremble with joy. His skin touches mine, I keep smiling. His breath touching my neck, the skin on my cheeks start to tear apart. Our chest moving, breathing in and out in the same rhythm. Joy fills my entire body, my whole existence, my life. Just for this moment. I have been waiting....

 

_Love me more._

_I am quite terribly... in love with you._

 

“What are you waiting for?”

 

His hands touching my shoulder, their weight, so heavy, pushing me down on my knees.

 

“Waiting... for... you”

 

My lips tremble, my words, unclear. My breathing, ragged, my lung is about to burst.

 

“Waiting for me?”

 

He knees down behind me. His lips almost touching my earlobe, whispering: “And what for?”

 

What for? What am I here for? For you, for him. I want him, want him so badly. Want him to touch me, and I want to touch him...

 

My eyes start to roll back, I can't think clearly. The pleasure simply takes over and I can't help but tremble in excitement. Such a wrecked body I have. But I can hear him chuckle in an amusing tone. His cold fingertips wander up my shoulders to my neck, embracing my throat and squeezes it, as if he is squeezing my heart dry, draining it from all the blood, the love and the happiness.

 

Such a wrecked world.

 

I can't breath, my brain realizes that, but my body won't move. I let him squeeze my breath away. Letting him stop the icy air from rushing into my lungs, squeezing it dry like he would with my heart and soul.

 

There is nothing I would want more than that... but then... my body...starts struggling and winding.

 

And I can't get away from his iron grip. Something turned on the switch in my head and suddenly, I want to live, to breath. I want air and I want to run away and hide. The joy is gone, now there is fear. Why? I don't understand myself. Just let go!

 

But he won't let go.

He won't.

Until the world turns black.

 

_I am terribly in love with you..._

_I miss you quite terribly..._

 

Which one is it?

Who did I miss?

Him?

 

Him, the light of my life...?

 

 

I open my eyes. Darkness surrounds me. Silence and cold air. Coughs interrupt the peaceful quiet, I catch for breath. Now I remember, he suffocated me. My forehead touches the ground. A hollow sound, a wooden floor. The scent of iron fills the fresh air, somewhere in the distance, water sounds. Waves hitting the shore. The big river. It must be early in the morning. Telling from the sound, the transporting ships are passing the river. But it's still dark. There are no chirping sounds. I close my eyes and try to understand the situation.

 

But wait... why do I even care?

 

There's nothing left for me to live for. This island is abandoned, there is only him and me. Yes, him. Him, him, him. My only reason to live.

 

It's like a mantra, a lie I keep telling myself to not be destroyed by the world outside my mind. If there is something, anything, I want it to keep me alive even if it destroys me. Is that it? All I am living for right here and now?

 

Footsteps are approaching. I open my eyes, clenching my teeth, hoping there would be no pain. He could stab me any time. He could kill me, slit my throat and rip out my heart any time. Cold hands grabbing a handful of my hair and pulls me across the dark room. I no longer feel any pain. Surprisingly, my body feels numb and suddenly tired. The days without sleep seem to have passed by too quickly. Insomnia made me do this. It made me leave my room and lead me straight to this apartment building. Right into his arms.

 

A sigh. He let go. My head hits the floor. A heavy vibration runs through my head, deep into my brain. I feel dizzy, nausea hits me and my stomach turns around too quickly. There was nothing I could have hold in. Trembling with weak limbs, tied by tapes, sweat running down my face, what is going on?

 

“I knew you were watching me,” he says.

 

The sounds of utensils clattering on a silver tablet. The wet wooden floor, the stench of iron...

 

“Do you understand what I am saying?,” he asks.

 

Quite frankly, I do.

 

“This place is abandoned and yet, you live alone and then, in the middle of the night, you leave the house because a stranger tells you to clean up your mess? What are you? Stupid?,” he asks and laughs.

 

 _Maybe..._ , I think to myself.

_Maybe I am. And maybe, I was simply in love... quite terribly._

 

He walks towards me again, pulling me up by my shoulders. Now I am sitting, leaning against something behind me. It feels like a shelf, or maybe a closet.

I can hear him chuckle, again, clattering noises. He is preparing something. If I am lucky, maybe he will kill me right away?

 

Yet, something inside me keeps yearning for his flesh.

 

“You are... going to kill me,” I say quietly.

 

My words fade into the wind, but he heard it.

 

“You can try to escape, but this place is dead,” he laughs.

 

The clouds pass by above the roofs and let out a glimpse of moonlight shining through the open balcony door. A fresh breeze of morning wind touches my sweaty skin. My head hurts, I am laying in my own vomit and probably blood, and the person I am in love with wants to torture me to death.

 

_What a wretched world._

 

“Who are you anyway?,” he asks.

 

The sound of metal on metal, cold and sharp. Slicing meat, so easily and smooth...

 

“When someone asks you something...,” he whispers. “...You should answer.”

 

Suddenly, a sharp pain runs through my leg. An evenly sharp knife cuts through my nerves, my veins, my muscle, flesh and skin. The pain is unbearable. My head, blank.

 

A scream echoing from the empty walls.

 

The sound of gushing blood, warm and hot, flowing out of the wound in my leg. Without a warning, he rises the deadly weapon, pulling it out and then sinks it back into my dying flesh, again and again and again.

His laugher fills my empty head. The pain, the scream, the laugher. Mixed with the smell, the icy cold and the warmth of my own streaming tears. The world turns around and around like a carousel until there is nothing left of my consciousness.

 

 

Love is a terrible thing. It makes you feel joy and then kills you slowly. Like a beautiful and poisonous flower. It blooms beautifully for you to gaze at and to enjoy it's beauty. Then, you want some more, you cut it, make it your own and put it in a vase. You breath its scent until you gte tired of it, and without knowing it, you are already dying. Bit by bit. It kills you, the bitter-sweet love.

 

But for me, it was pain right from the start. Bearing the pain of a lonely life on an almost entirely abandoned island with only one person, who could be compared to the flower. I ran right into the blade. Like a confused animal. Like a stray cat wanting to be pet, to be loved. I neglected myself in order to be with the flower.

Here we are. Laughing, piercing bladed through each others hearts. Enjoying the pain, the torture and the suffering of the other person.

 

I am chained, not only by hands but also by heart. Time has slipped through my trembling hands. My eyes are half closed, swollen from the beating and the cuts and bruised. He's methods are brutal. There are no breaks between the pain until I faint. But at the same time, his touch is too gentle for me to bear. The blade is rough, but the touch is gentle. He tells me how fragile I am, he smiles and laughs. He talks to me but then he kills me without warning every day.

 

We are two strangers trying to find comfort in each others presence. He is the conductor of his own orchestra. The knives are his instruments and I am the music he created, so he says. With that, we are no longer strangers. We are creator and creation. A product of loneliness and endless suffering that is me.

 

“You are tired,” I notice one night.

 

He keeps me chained to the wall inside his narrow and old bathroom. The tiles on the floor and on the walls are cracked, sometimes I would cut myself on the sharp edges while sleeping or while being unconscious. The wounds on my body never heal. The wet floor, the humid air, they keep it open and wet. This body is dying from infections and decaying flesh. Even when someone would try to sew me back together, my limbs would just fall off over and over again. The pain makes me more numb than I could ever be. Sometimes I ask myself, if I am even still alive or just breathing? What if, at the end of the tunnel, there is a dead end? These questions keep me sane throughout these days.

 

“You will keep hurting me,” I continue.

 

He goes down on his knees in front of me, smiling. His hair never seems to grow. His eyes, always clear and fierce.

 

“Why would I ever hurt you?,” he asks.

 

Slowly, he reaches out his left hand and touches my cold cheeks. We stare into each others eyes without blinking, without fear. It's like we understand each other without words. That's how it feels like to me. I might be dying inside and out, but somehow, I can still feel and understand.

 

“This place is almost entirely abandoned. It's just us,” he says.

“Your life would be a mess without me,” I whisper and smile.

 

His warm hands also warm my stone-cold heart. Blood starts rushing through my veins again, my heart, pumping.

 

“Sugar-coated words... but your actions show your true intentions,” I whisper into his hands.

 

They smell like flowers and fresh earth. A smell from the past. Memories of the outside world.

 

“The one who's chained to this place is no one other than you,” I smile and nibble his hand gently.

 

His skin tastes salty. My teeth sink into his flesh. The taste of his blood, the taste of his muscles, veins, the nerves. Strip him naked from here on. It's time to make him yours.

 

You should have known. The one who's really crazy, the one who really wants your body... is me.

 

_I love you quite terribly._

_I miss you quite terribly._

 

What you don't know about me is that I am a terribly unhappy person. And in order not to get hurt, ask no questions. Because words can fail the truth and that is when music speaks. My mind is a dark place, a place where nothing can ever be brighter than a shadow.

 

We are corpses left behind on this island. Haunting, wandering and reliving our deaths for an eternity. You, who killed me out of jealousy of another man. You, who sweet-talked me into believing you loved me and then left me, killed me. Stabbed me with your own hands. You, who made me what I am. Seeking revenge. Killing each other, taking turns, neither dead nor alive.

 

Losing and reliving our past memories. Yearning for someone to release us from our suffering. But we are left here, on this island where white lilies bloom above our graves and die from our tainted soil.

 

This is our punishment.

My punishment.

For loving you.

And missing you.

Quite terribly.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading & hope you liked it! This story was inspired by the Manwha Killing Stalking, my guilty pleasure <3


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